10 Ridiculous Things 98.6 % Certain to Happen at Next Month’s London Fashion Week

Words: Rachel Muckley

1. To Grunge or Not to Grunge?

elite.styleKate Moss will rock up in a shredded ensemble, complete with J Brand jeans and a glossy leather look and everyone will literally (but most likely figuratively) die. How come when Mossy dresses like an urban rock goddess she’s the front page for weeks but when we do it, we’re asked to leave restaurants because of public indecency? Times are hard.

2. Rhythm & Blues

Vivienne Westwood will take a bow at the finale of her exhibition with electric teal hair –- in vogue with the colour explosions in fashion in 2016 and a nod towards her recent humanitarian ways (red for fire, blue for water; it’s all about the abstract you know!) This icon can do no wrong in our book.

3. Location; Location; Location

All attendees will mistake this year’s venue of Brewer’s Street for ‘The Queen Vic’ in the East End. God only know why, it may not be Kensington Gardens but it is Soho after all! But rejoice fashionable people, you will most certainly spend the best part of an afternoon chatting with Barbara Winsor about the good ol’ days of ‘Carry on.’ It’s an unfortunate twist made incidentally fabulous.

4. “Hello … It’s me [London]”

As the face of their latest campaign, Karlie Kloss will strut up some magic for the High Street favourite Topshop, to the exploding yet melodic anthems of BFF Taylor Swift. ‘Welcome to New York’ will be cut off mid pre-chorus as the producers wake up from their jetlag and suddenly remember where there are. Karlie-Kloss-stepped-out-Versace-Fall-2013-couture-show

5. Candy Breaks

The editor’s of British Vogue and Harper’s Bazaar will be coincidently booked for the same seat on the frow at Alexander McQueen and won’t be all that joyous about it. However, they put their suede vs. leather skirt differences aside for the sake of an incoming denim creation and end up sharing a pack of mentos. Bless.

6. I’m not making a fuss!

Gucci’s collection with be nothing but minimalist and everyone will freak because, like what?!?! (Subtly loosens amber infused satin bow from hat) gucci2015ss07

7. Dami-ara, Camien, Caraniem??

Everyone will miss presence of THE Cara Delevingne as she’s abandoned the runway for Hollywood and guitar strumming. That is until a late comer is spotted in a scrunched up Chanel hoody and shades with distinctive air of Damien from Mean Girls about them, wedging themselves in between Alexandra Shulman and Kelly Osbourne. Come on Cara, we know it’s you.… Wait, do Chanel makes hoodies?

8. Eau de la Fishy? Eau de la Absolutely Not!

They will serve Shrimp delicately coated in the newest Burberry fragrance which will arrive in crystal carved mini, yet fabulous, handbags at the label’s dramatically anticipated show. Credit due for innovation and the courage to combine high fashion with cuisine but oh my, how Anna Wintour does not like the smell of shrimp in the afternoon!

9. Trick of the Light

Someone will make it their mission to convince the paparazzi that they are supermodel extraordinaire Gigi Hadid by donning an oversized grey coat, crop top and black shades, blonde locks and leggings. They watch and revel in the flash of bright lights as their secret goes undetected and gleefully make their way to the pub for celebratory chips and a beer. Mwahahaha #lifemade

10. Very Important Person/ Very Idealistic Perspective

peggy_mitchell_2647961aNo, college student interested in fashion, you cannot just turn up unexpectedly in mismatched Dior and expect to gain entry! Everyone knows you’ll have to sneak in the back door with James Bay’s drummer… it’s only common rock and roll sense.