Born to Rule | Carol Phelan

On the 7th of November 2012, when Obama was elected for a second term, I really wanted to be American. On the 3rd of December when the news of the Royal Baby was announced, I really wanted to be British. On a regular day, I’m happy enough to be Irish. But this was no regular day (interestingly, the Pope joined Twitter on the same day Kate Middleton announced her pregnancy. Is this a sign? Is this baby somehow connected to the baby Jesus?). I learned of the pregnancy on Twitter and so I thought it was in keeping with my discovery to follow it that way.

Piers Morgan was on a roll with the tweets. ‘Congratulations to every magazine editor for calling Kate Middleton’s pregnancy – especially those who did covers on it 11 months ago.’ Morgan also noted the National Enquirer called it in 2003. He joked, ‘any chance of the first interview @RoyalFoetus?’ This led me to the Royal Foetus account that is live-tweeting from inside the Royal Womb, ‘RETWEET IF YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO SERVING ME’ and ‘Hands up if you’re still developing motor skills’ being some of my favourite one-liners.

There is another noteworthy parody account, @RoyalFetus, which might be the other one’s twin. This one ‘lives inside a princess’ and was created on the 29th of April, 2011. Yes, the day of the Royal Wedding. An aspiring comedian from New York City set it up on that day because she figured it was going to happen eventually and people would be racing to register that name when it did. Her first ever tweet was ‘Coming soon, literally… darling ;-)’ and an almighty ‘I EXIST!!!!!’ on the big day of the announcement. For the spelling Nazis that attacked her, she rebutted by explaining she spelt fetus the ‘medical’ way and is winning in the ‘who has the more followers’ war anyway.

British bookie William Hill said it would be paying out ‘a small five-figure sum’ to people who had placed bets on William and Catherine having a baby in 2013. Avid royal fans should have predicted this event to the day, almost. According to historians, the average period between royal nuptials and the arrival of the first-born over the past 100 years is 851 days. Therefore, Kate should be due on the 27th of August 2013, which seems about right. Bets are now being taken on the likely name, gender and hair colour of the child. It has Frances and John as the favourites at 9-to-1, with Charles, Victoria and George at 10-to-1. Ladbrokes has Elizabeth, the name of the baby’s great-grandmother, as an 8-to-1 favourite. What about Diana? Or Renesmee? I wonder what are the odds of it being a boy? Or a girl? 50/50, or am I missing something here? The tabloid journalists would combust if the child was born ginger.

The Royal Baby will be third in line to the throne, after Prince Charles and William, regardless of whether it is a boy or a girl. Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said that ‘by happy coincidence, we’re literally working right now in government to put the finishing touches to legislation which will update the very old-fashioned rules of succession which mean that if they have a baby girl, regardless of whether the baby girl then has younger brothers in the future, she will be able to succeed to the throne.’ Given the recent decision of the Church of England not allowing women to become bishops, isn’t it great that they can become the Queen without marrying a King, if they were born into the royal blood line.

On the plus side, if Kate decides to breast-feed in public, no one will have the nerve to say anything derogatory to her.