The Dangers of FIFA Apology Rules.

Motley’s resident lad Dean Murray tells us why you should think before you play FIFA with friends.

The fulltime whistle blows. Martin Tyler and Alan Smith express their disgust. Your opponent/former friend will not even attempt to hide that self-satisfied smile. You stare into space hoping that you will slowly dissolve. One thing’s for sure you’re never picking Liverpool again. 5 – 0, a score line that frightens even the most stern of FIFA players. Just losing however is not the problem. What is chilling has to be describing the loss in minute detail, how your opponent’s breathtaking skill was crucial to your demolition and offering a miserable apology all on Facebook.

There are two f’s in FIFA and neither of them stand for fun. The most recent version of EA sports flagship series, FIFA ‘13 has sold over 14.5 million copies worldwide and has humiliated at least twice that number in the same time. FIFA Apology Rules emerged in 2010, presumably after a drunken student descended Mount Sinai carrying two stones with the rules etched upon them.  Since then it has been used to demean and degrade anyone brave enough to step up against those guys who spend their lives with a controller in one hand and a can in the other.

Public humiliation was once a popular method for dealing with petty crime. Everyone has seen stockades and this generation’s one is Facebook’s news feed. Scroll through it and you will find at least three instances of public humiliation. Two of them will be FIFA apologies and the other will be an unflattering picture of someone. Having to publicly apologise for your failings is an extremely grating experience. However, flat out refusal allows your opponent to torment your emotional well-being until the word FIFA makes you soil yourself and cry in the corner. So admittedly this article has been difficult to write.

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“FIFA ‘13 has sold over 14.5 million copies worldwide and has humiliated at least twice that number in the same time.”

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“So what?” you say incredulously. It’s just a stupid video game. It’s not life or death. I agree. To be trounced on FIFA is not life or death, yet. You see while the forfeits seem innocent enough at the start with having to make your opponent a sandwich or having to kiss their feet there is potential for much darker purposes. Who’s to say it couldn’t devolve to say, having to play soggy biscuit on your own in front of your extended family or being told to mount a cow of your opponent’s choosing. It may sound ridiculous but drunken students have done worse.

This has been a warning. You may be asked in the future to play by who you think is your friend but be wary if you agree. The room temperature will increase rapidly, a disturbed smile will cascade across his face and horns will sprout from his head because your friend has become Satan. It’s a dangerous game FIFA or, at least it is when you play douche bags who take it too seriously.