Dear Dr Reilly
Recently we’ve been overwhelmed by the number of questions and queries we’ve been receiving here at Motley HQ. Motley’s resident sex therapist has decided to pen down some of his top tips given to readers’ budding questions
Q1 Dear Dr Reilly,
My husband and I just returned from an over sixty-fives cruise from America we had a lovely time but my husband brought back something with him and quite frankly it’s made my life a living Hell. It’s only available in America and its called Viagra Plus which leaves a man with an erection for over thirty-six hours, I can’t take it anymore please help! – Sheila (Mature Student, UCC)
A1 Now what in God’s name is a man going to do with an erection for that long, Sheila? I mean even if he was some sort of Sex-God and lasted five hours in the sack there’s still thirty one hours to burn I mean Jesus you’ll have to get him to earn his keep. What you’ll do is have him stand out in the back garden with the washing hanging from his mickey and he won’t be long putting the cobra back to sleep.
Q2 Dear Dr Reilly,
I come from a very old fashioned background and something I always told myself growing up is that there would be no sexual contact of any kind before marriage. I’m due to wed my photographer boyfriend in December but I’m getting cold feet please help. – Gwen (22 Year Old, Arts Student)
A2 Ah come here Gwen are you having a laugh or what, girl? What you’re doing now is playing a very dangerous game. You’re marrying the fella and you haven’t even got a proper look at his magic wand or crystal balls, and let me tell you this every Tom, Dick and Harry who got a Nikon for Christmas is calling themselves a photographer these days so it’s fair to say he’s not sitting on millions, Gwen! Are you familiar with the saying “it’s not the size of the boat it’s the destination” do you know who says that Gwen? It’s the women who are married to the guys with the tiny penises but have a massive private yacht in the harbour. No money and no guarantee he has a massive langer; take those cold feet and run like the wind girl.
Q3 Dear Dr Reilly,
I really do enjoy the single life I just have no interest in finding a partner, am I normal? What can I do to spice up my sex life without putting myself out there? – Dylan (19 year old Chemistry student)
A3 First things first (I’m the realist) and yes you are perfectly normal. Millions of people prefer to be alone but there’s no reason you still can’t enjoy a healthy sex life. There a numerous solutions to your problem, first of all; send out an emergency group text to all your contacts asking them to ring you immediately, stick the iPhone on vibrate and well…be creative. Secondly, whoever said doing the laundry had to be a chore, throw in your dirty garments add a bit of Persil and plop yourself on top of that washing machine and get ready for the time of your life. Although, I use a communal launderette and let’s just say my neighbours weren’t best pleased to see me panned out naked as the day I was born drooling all over their washing. Finally, my personal favourite; sit in the back of the bus just over the back wheel and fasten yourself in, you’ll be thanking the city council for all the pot holes on the road. I’m telling you now, some days I just sit on the 205 and do a couple of laps and I’d be seeing stars so I would.
Q4 Dear Dr Reilly,
I’m searching for Mr Right but I’ve had no luck so far, is it me? Am I not girlfriend material? – Mary (23 year old French Student)
A4 There’s no easy answer here Mary, unfortunately, but what we put out into the world is what we get back. Look for a guy who wants the same things from a relationship as you do, you need to be Jenny From The Block and not Jenny Who Street Walks Around The Block. My golden rule about dating is: no sex before monogamy. Carry yourself with class and pride and Prince Charming is sure to come along soon, if not please see the previous question on how to have a have a great sex life while remaining celibate.
Q5 Dear Dr Reilly,
Recently I have become obsessed with the idea making a sex-tape, is it something you’d recommend in your professional opinion? – Rick (24 year old Computer Science student)
A5 Have you been living under a rock for the last decade Rick? Not only is making a sex-tape a good idea it’s a promising career move. Just look at the likes of Kim Kardashian who now has over a billion dollar empire under that gigantic booty. I myself am working on the hottest sex-tape of 2014, imagine Paris Hiltons “One Night in Paris” meets Paranormal Activity. You’ll be so disturbed you won’t know whether to touch yourself or bless yourself, girl.
Q6 Dear Dr Reilly,
I’m desperately trying to spice up love-making with my boyfriend and I read in an article that sometimes having sex with music in the background can help, any suggestions? – Donna (22 year old Med student)
A6 Well, Donna as you know, everything these days is about the booty, you can’t go wrong by twerking for your man with Miley Cyrus playing in the background. Similar to when I’m in the shower I don’t sing…I perform. When I’m entertaining I find the Carlton dance a major turn on, so wear something sexy like slacks and a thin sweater vest. If your fella doesn’t get sexually aroused by you mimicking the suave dance moves of a middle-aged black man then dump him; you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.