Here goes, I’m taking the first step; I may have a slight, tiny issue when it comes to Facebook. I’m not alone on this one, surely? Granted, we’re all interested in what’s going on in the lives’ of our ‘closest’ friends, however, are you more invested then interested? Less ‘creeping’ and more creepy? I’ve devised some tell tale signs that’ll prove Facebook, is managing to do what Pinky and the Brain never could … TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
If you’re guilty of any of the following, I shall see you in autumn for the *cough* repeats…
1. Status Update or ‘Fishing for Likes’?
Status updates are the number one give away of an unhealthy relationship with Facebook. Now, I’m not saying the odd few anecdotes aren’t okay; it’s what the ‘what’s on your mind’ box is for. But rather the post that is something along the lines of, ‘at Boole 4 with 14 other friends. *insert five million witty and oh so original emojis here*’ I urge you to continue reading, you’re more of a Facebook-freak then you think!
2. Being Courteous or Just Creepy?
Finding out someone’s name on a night out, for one purpose and one purpose only, i.e. ‘the add’? This isn’t a major problem. However if you make a note of it on your iPhone, smart-phone or any other overpriced device, now that’s a whole other story. The one sure way to identify this is to look at someone’s friends list. Over a few thousand? Enough said!
3. A Bit Interested or Too Invested?
So looking at your friend’s pictures is harmless, right? They’re posted for you to have a peek at, it’s their way of telling you what they’re up to. However the problem arises when you’re, ah, ‘researching with a purpose’ random people you kind of know. Here’s the test – it’s fool proof, or should I say ‘Facebook-fool’ proof: if you wouldn’t say hi to someone or even acknowledge him or her in real life, virtual stalking is NOT okay!
3. Status Havanas Success or Just Stalker Status?
A few random Facebook-fanatic indicators: these really separate those without a problem and those running the risk of facing a conviction. Judging someone because they don’t have a Facebook? That moment when you think, ‘what is wrong with this person?’ Or, if you have ‘researched’ whether your lecturers have Facebook? The sense of accomplishment you feel when you realise they don’t have their pictures on private would beat any 1H! Probably the worst ‘habit’ is the day after a ‘successful’ night out, the first thing you do prior to any shower/coffee, is go on a good old fashion ‘shift-stalk’. Granted, this is a common occurrence, but if you’ve no intention of adding them, please refrain – it’s SAD!
4.Detox or Stalk On?
What does this mean? Well, if you’re a serious Facebook-junkie, perhaps a 10-day holiday from the social network is what you need? In theory a wonderful idea, but in practice I can see a few complications arising:
1. ‘Poking’ someone you fancy on Facebook may be a common courting occurrence, but this won’t wash in the ORB and you may find yourself having more then just a bruised ego.
2. ‘Liking’ is a common practice on Facebook, but there’s no ‘dislike’ button for a reason. In reality dislike is a word we all know the meaning of, but remember a thumb down gesture isn’t Morse code and you may end up getting a slap!
It seems to me the only practical remedy for a Facebook-fiend, would be a Twitter account or blog – who knows, you could be the next Perez Hilton! Just do something before you end up with an Adele-esque album; the subject won’t be unrequited love, but rather a social network account. Trust me, the harassment charges you could face will cast a shadow over any honour you’ll get.