This February – the month and love and romance, Mystic McDonnell’s Magical predictions let you in on the highs, but mostly lows, St Valentine has in store for you


Aries: Channeling the inner power of the ram, this month you’ll be fairly horny. It’s a pity that you’ll have no opportunities to put that power to good use. One of the subtle cruelties of life as a young adult.

Taurus: Like a real bull, you tend to have a short temper. This will become relevant this month, when you catch your partner cheating… in Monopoly! The horror. Several knocked-over hotels and a flipped board later, you will have to pick up the pieces. Of Monopoly, and of your relationship. Have fun!

Gemini: Twinning is winning! Except when it comes to relationships. This month you will realize that you’ve been dating two people the whole time – a pair of identical twins. I’ll leave it to the therapist to sort out your resulting trust issues.

Cancer: Born under the sign of the crab, this month your star sign will come back to bite you, literally. Crabs can cause all kinds of health issues, so be sure to get it checked quickly! Or don’t – it’s not like you’ll get the chance to pass it on to anyone else.

Leo: You have the heart of a lion, but the face of… well, something less majestic. Don’t lose hope! One day you’ll find the person who’s just right for you. They probably won’t be anything special either, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Virgo: Virgo is the Latin word for “virgin”. This is why Virgos don’t tend to match with any other star signs on the compatibility charts. So you may as well sit back and relax – even the stars agree that this will be another lonely Valentine’s Day for you. At least you’ll never have an STI!

Libra: You have an innate sense of fairness and justice. This will make it all the more annoying when your partner tells you that they want half of everything in the divorce proceedings. After all, they’re the more successful one of the couple. Really, only wanting half is them being nice to you.

Scorpio: You will finally get a match on Tinder – one that actually responds when you start texting them! After a few days, you’ll be excited to meet them. Until they send you a bank transfer link to help them get their three million dollars in a foreign account. Love is a cruel mistress.

Sagittarius: You tend to hate small talk and like to get straight to the point. This will make it easy for you to spot all of the signs that your partner is cheating on you. Or maybe it won’t. Forget I said anything. If you can.

Capricorn: Venus leaves your sphere this month, and with it goes your relationship. It’s up to you whether it’s a quiet “we can stay friends” ending, or an explosive stormy catastrophe with lots of screaming and shouting. The result is the same either way – you’re all alone again! Happy Valentine’s.

Aquarius: The Sun moves into your constellation this month, highlighting a move to a brighter future. You probably won’t notice, though, because all of your days are spent inside. In front of a computer. Doing nothing of real significance. I’m definitely not projecting here.

Pisces: Unlike everyone else, you won’t bother to listen to some random horoscope tell you about the future state of your love life. However much we try to assign meaning to the stars, in the end you can’t blame fate or destiny for all of your relationship issues. The truth is that you really are just a horrible person.