An Idiot’s Guide to: Finding a Job

On the hunt for a job and looking for tips? Our idiot’s guide to various aspects of life continues this month with Motley’s Greg Gorman providing his fail safe tips to landing a job.

Tired of getting nowhere in your job search? Of being a mama’s boy or daddy’s little girl who can neither finance nor fend for themselves? Do you find that your shyness, politeness and lack of personality prevent you from attaining that dream job? Well fear not young warrior, with this guide, you should be able to knock the sheep out of you and become the lion that every business needs.

CV – Champion’s Vitae

Before you get the interview, it’s essential to create a good first impression with your C.V.
Show the employer that you have the confidence of a worshipped teen idol by matching the typing skills of one. Don’t be afraid to fill your C.V with deliberate typos accompanied by bold claims such as “I have lurnt Word Purfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms”. It would be wise to accompany this colossal display of confidence with a picture capable of mimicking the effects of an aphrodisiac. Simply get a photo of yourself, cut the face out and stick it onto the face of a photo of a ripped model like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Irresistible! The Lion is making an entrance!

Make Territorial Displays of Dominance

Now you’ve got the interview, your next task is to break the mould by making your powerful presence known and felt. Enter the interviewer’s office waving a stick at nearby walls, chairs etc. while making screeching, yelping noises. Force a crippling handshake along with unbroken wide-eye contact. At this point you should be near breaking the interviewer and so finish it off with an arm wrestling challenge. The interviewer should be void of any resistance to your superiority and so this is your opportunity to refuse sitting down. Why would you meet this lowly creature at an equal footing? Stand proud and cast a squinted gaze into the distance to further establish your heroic identity. The Lion is contending!

Helping Hand

Staring down your prey can be an intoxicating moment, but don’t drop your guard! In desperation, the interviewer may try to shake you off with the gutless defence of asking questions. In response, you should ring your only reference worth contacting – your mother. How do you respond to a question such as “What could you offer to the business?” Get your mom on the phone to tell them what a lovely little soul you are. By getting your mother’s help to answer questions, you display loyalty and willingness to listen- qualities hard to come by in the proud lion.

Impersonate Your Favorite Tyrannical Boss Idol

Embody and channel your highest ambitions and assume leadership. Let the interviewer know you possess the same prowess and qualities of the fierce Bill Cullen! Grrrr! With a bold and resolute stare, lift your finger and announce “You are fired.” Congratulations, you have now become the boss! The Lion is always head of the pride!

While you may have experienced great difficulty in the past getting a job, with this guide to finding a job, and also a guide to life, you should discover the true meaning of command and conquer in the workplace and life. Best of luck! And as you leave, turn the light off in the interviewer’s office – got to save that electricity.