An Idiot’s Guide to: Hooking Up in Cork

Motley’s resident idiot Eoin Mc Sweeney gives us his top tips for scoring us notoriously hard-to-get Corkonians.

New to Cork? Can’t fathom how anyone could navigate their way through such a thriving metropolis? Are you from the nether regions of Clare, Limerick or Kerry? Or even from somewhere much further afield such as the far corners of Europe, Asia or America? Then this is the guide for you! Picking up people (or ‘scoring/mauling’ in the language the locals use) in Cork can be notoriously difficult, painful and even dangerous. No man or woman should try to engage in the bizarre, complicated world of Corkonian dating without a guiding hand, lest you should end up with a ‘mank wan’, a ‘mog’ or even worse, a norrie.

Don’t, under any circumstances, compliment them.

This is rule number one. If a guy even speaks to a girl for more than thirty seconds, let alone compliment her, he will be labelled as ‘creepy’, or a ‘bellend’. Believe me, you don’t want this to happen. Girls will be considered needy and not up for ‘the ride’ and if they’re very unlucky the guy will actually like it and will stick to them like glue for the night. On top of this, it is almost impossible to hear a member of the opposite sex in clubs such as Savoy or the Bodega because of the ear drum lacerating music. In fact due to this most Corkonians can lip read and perform simple sign language symbols (‘A pint please’, ‘You looking for a fight?’, ‘Wanna maul?’). A prospective suitor is much better off dancing his/her way to glory. A shuffle for the guys or a slut drop for the girls will do.

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Top Ten Cork Chat Up Lines:

  1. Story?

  2. Wanna ride?

  3. Wanna maul?

  4. Shots?

  5. Where you staying?

  6. How’s your gee?

  7. Where you going after this?

  8. Can I get a kiss?

  9. Hey you!

  10. I have an 11 inch penis. Swear.

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Dress to impress. No matter how cold it is, wear as little clothes as possible

This applies to girls only, you hear? I don’t want to see male mature students from the far corners of the world running around naked like Mr. Chow preying on every girl they come across. It is imperative that girls do this so that they may achieve what is well known in Cork as the most attractive look – the bebo stunnah. This also involves truckloads of makeup, along with what must be the best push up bras in the world. Luminous clothing and a natural orange tan are also good shouts.

If you go to CIT, tell them that you’re in UCC

Look you can give out all you want about social class divides, but they are always going to be there, so get over it. Of course on the social pyramid, CIT are quite clearly below us. Obviously. You may think you’re bucking the trend by going there, but girls really won’t find it too attractive. Guys will still find you attractive, because guys love anything with boobs, but you are far more likely to be told to go make a sandwich. The same applies for CSN and College of Goms. The excuse that “it’s a better course”, doesn’t wash I’m afraid. We’re not idiots.

Try to care as little as possible

Forgetting a girl’s birthday is a sure fire way to getting in her pants. They’ll want you more after. Get her a piece of jewellery from Claire’s Accessories. She’ll love it. Play FIFA as regularly as possible and don’t ever text her. Snapchat is allowed, but sparingly. As for you girls, if he asks you anything, just reply with ‘meh’. Want to go to the cinema? Meh. Want to get food? Meh. Want to make sweet love? Meh. Leave all the decision making to the man. Your indecisiveness will drive him wild.

If all else fails go to the after party

Clubs in Cork close quite early, but luckily there is some fantastic after party spots. Where I hear you say? A trendy new club? An awesome mansion? An abandoned warehouse? No, somewhere much better: the front of a fast food establishment. Ahem. Yes whether it’s fun or the ride that you’re looking for, there is no better last resort than either of the eloquent McDonalds restaurants (green or blue) or the old favourite, Hillbillys. The fountain provides a beautiful backdrop to the drunken masses of Cork. Just don’t climb it, ‘ye can’t be doing that lads.’ We’ve had enough trouble with that already.