January Horoscopes

The Earth has completed her orbit around the sun, putting an end to the truly dreadful shitshow that was 2020. Will 2021 be any better? Mystic Mc Magical Predictions tells us. The answer is; probably not.

 

Aries: January is a time for New Year’s resolutions – promises to make 2021 better than 2020. Like many of the promises made last year, though, resolutions tend to be broken quickly. That may be why you ate two takeaway pizzas on your own last night. We all have our vices, but you can do better.

 

Taurus: Tired of being shut in, you may find yourself breaking some of the government restrictions for the pandemic (for example, walking 2.1 km from your home instead of 2). That’s all fine until you go online and claim to never have broken any restriction whatsoever. The moral high ground is a lonely place.

 

Gemini: Exam pressure gets to the best of us. You will probably be struggling with revision this month, looking back over every last page of your notes, highlighting every second word. Don’t worry about it too much, though. It won’t save you, so why bother? Let your mind rest.

 

Cancer: After a long build-up to the winter solstice of December 21, the days finally begin to lengthen again in January as the Sun moves back towards your Tropic. This will manifest in you as a good mood for this month. It’ll be especially noticeable, given how constantly annoyed you were at everyone up to now.

 

Leo: After a beautiful opposition (closest approach to Earth) last October, Mars quickly decreases in brightness, fading into obscurity. Similarly, you will have a brief moment in the spotlight this month, and will be entirely forgotten about afterwards. Choose your moment carefully! 

 

Virgo: You will contract a new type of virus – cabin fever. Whatever it is about your family or housemates, they will annoy you every single day this month. Of course, annoying people is exactly what you do even in normal times, so maybe it all balances out?

 

Libra: Your constellation forms the shape of a scales, representing justice. This month you will witness a truly brutal killing. It will probably be a slow, horrifying event, with the killer showing no mercy whatsoever. Maybe you should just look somewhere else the next time your cat catches a mouse.

 

Scorpio: You will see a familiar face, one that you haven’t looked at in a long time – and they’ll remember you, too! Like anyone who knows you, though, that means they’ll run away as soon as you see each other. Clearly, being yourself doesn’t do you any favours. When in doubt, always hide who you really are!

 

Sagittarius: The Sun is in your constellation this month. You’ll know by all the sunburn you get – a sure sign of the ball of fire’s influence over you. Or maybe it’s just bad luck. After all, you’re not the most fortunate person in the world. 

 

Capricorn: Jupiter and Saturn move away from each other after their conjunction last month. After a long time getting to know them, you will drift away from someone you were once close to. I don’t even need astrology to predict that – it’s just obvious how the relationship was going to turn out.

 

Aquarius: You are in the sphere of influence of Neptune, God of the sea. You will wish you could go for a swim on a beach in the Mediterranean… but then, you’ve been wanting to do that for the last ten months. Is a horoscope really necessary to tell you that?


Pisces: You will find a big spider in your room. Whatever you decide to do with it – let it out, kill it, leave it alone – won’t make too much of a difference. After all, there are probably twenty more living with you. Spending every night in the same room that you sleep in. Sweet dreams!