Recently it came to my attention that UCC, my own university, has started introducing gender-neutral bathrooms on campus. Now I consider myself a very modern man, at one time in my life I frequented Chambers. I then discovered that it wasn’t actually an Ally McBeal themed bar and never went there again. Unisex bathrooms were the one thing which greatly upset me about Ally McBeal but then I realised that it is a fiction and bathrooms like that would never exist in the real world. Oh how wrong I was.
Imagine for a second, if I (a modern gentleman) were using a urinal on the UCC campus. Then, out of the blue, a human female were to walk in and see my Jolly Rodger! I fear that the embarrassment would follow me around for the entire day, if not the entire week. The shock may even paralyse my Spam Javelin, thus causing great discomfort and possible irreparable internal damage.
I have not been this outraged since Jeremy Clarkson was wrongfully dismissed by the BBC for lovingly joshing with his producer. In fact not even binge-watching my favourite show, Entourage, was enough to calm my unbridled fury. When I gaze into Jeremy Piven’s piercing eyes it’s usually enough for me to forgive even my greatest enemy but not this time. Jeremy Piven cannot quell my rage for this grotesque act. So I beg you, Editor, please listen to me. I am a modern man with modern thoughts and I find this entire ordeal truly tasteless. I want to relieve myself in peace, standing beside another strong modern man as we idly chat about the fine things in life. Now if you forgive me I must end this correspondence as my mother is calling me.
Yours in disgust,
Ignatius J. Riley.