Cian McDonnell Astro-physicist turned astrologer tells Motely readers the highs, but mostly the lows the stars have in store for them this month.

Aries: You move into the sphere of influence of Uranus this month, one of the coldest places in the Solar System. You may find yourself acting frosty towards other people. Or you won’t notice, because you generally don’t care about other people’s emotions even normally.

Taurus: As we move into spring, the days get longer, bringing us back to some kind of normal sleep schedule. Except for you, because the pandemic has ruined your motivation to get out of bed. So has your tendency to smoke a gram every day. May as well hit snooze a few more times.

Gemini: On the 5th of March, Jupiter and Mercury are in conjunction, the largest and smallest planets locked in a cosmic dance. This reflects the mountain of assignments you have due, versus your ability to actually complete them or understand what they’re even asking you to do.

Cancer: After months of seeing nobody in person, you will meet a friend for a massive drinking session. The next morning will remind you why you don’t do that all the time, even before the lockdown. Have fun waiting for your kidneys to do their thing.

Leo: You thought the day would never come, but your parents will find out how much weed you smoke while in college. You can try to tell them that not all drugs are equal, and some are less harmful than others, but they will look at you differently from now on. Enjoy that dinner table conversation!

Virgo: You will try your hand at baking for the first time. Specifically, brownies. After eating one, it may be the case that nothing happens. But about forty minutes later, your outlook will change. Life will take on a new, relaxed quality. And only then will you, quite literally, be baked.

Libra: During a wondrous psychedelic trip where you unlock the true meaning of the universe, you will find a set of equations that allow humans to travel faster than the speed of light. Then morning will come, and a new realization will hit you – the equations are wrong, and you are incapable of contributing to humanity in any way. Even LSD can’t change that.

Scorpio: Exhausted of other options due to the lockdown, you will gulp down a few spoons of nutmeg to get your high. By the time the nausea and vomiting make you realise how bad of an idea it was, it’ll already be too late. Best to leave it to the experts to make your recreational drugs!

Sagittarius: Having worked up the courage over many years, you will try cannabis for the first time. Although it might alter your worldview in ways that don’t initially add up, you should at least consider what your change in perception has to offer. After all, it still makes more sense than believing in astrology.

Capricorn: Saturn, god of agriculture, exerts a powerful force on you this month. A combination of good weather and astrological influence will assist in your plant-growing endeavours. So now is the perfect time to harvest the ones you have under heat lamps in the attic.

Aquarius: After walking 5.1 km from home, you will be fined €60 by a Garda, waiting in the bushes, specifically to catch lockdown breakers. A terrible crime, so you certainly need to be taught a lesson. The students across the road will have a house party with fifty people that same day.

Pisces: You will reconnect with an old friend after many years. The details of the reunion are left vague enough that people think astrology actually works.