The future is full of uncertainty, but astronomer-turned-astrologer Cian McDonnell helps us see into the sometimes not-so-bright-future of work.
Aries: After applying to 40 entry-level jobs that require 5+ years of experience, you’ll finally get an interview! Unfortunately, you need other skills to be able to work, such as knowing the basics of how to interact socially. It’s a pity your degree was in Sales and Marketing.
Taurus: In an attempt to create a “Google-like” atmosphere, your company will organise a mandatory fun day at work. On a Saturday. And you better get sharing some LinkedIn posts of it, or it’s bye-bye job and hello unemployment! The future of work is as bright as the piñatas they’ll bring in to make things “fun”.
Gemini: Mars exerts a powerful, warlike influence on you this month, coming to a head when someone demands to see your manager because you wouldn’t give them a special offer for no reason. You will give them exactly the response they deserve, despite all the consequences. You didn’t need that job anyway…
Cancer: Your workplace’s summer party will go horribly wrong when your boss takes off his shirt and starts dancing to no music. If you don’t want to be traumatised for the rest of your life, just keep drinking and hope it’s enough to make you forget.
Leo: An expansion of automatic checkouts in your supermarket threatens to make you redundant. You’d better hope your boss is a Leo too, because they actually think astrology works and will probably fire anyone who gives them “bad energy”. Or something.
Virgo: At your next meeting, your co-worker will happily swoop in and snatch up all the credit for the contributions you’ve made recently. But this will be a valuable lesson for life in general. What’s the point in making an effort in anything at all?
Libra: You will no longer be able to conceal the fact that you do no work whatsoever for the first hour of the day. Hiding behind your laptop and browsing Facebook could only go on so long. But the future will always bring new ways to procrastinate.
Scorpio: Tired of being “always connected”, a fit of frustration will end with you throwing your phone in a river. The €1000 phone that was given to you by work. Have fun explaining that one!
Sagittarius: Acting out of pity, you’ll invite the co-worker that nobody likes to your weekly Friday night drinks. It’ll go about as well as you’d expect, and you’ll even learn something interesting! That you were the hated co-worker all along, and everyone was just too nervous to say. Until now.
Capricorn: June is the month of summer solstice, and thus the Sun is far out of your sphere, making you tired and drowsy all throughout this month. Or so you’ll tell your workplace when you don’t come in for a week straight. Astrology makes a wonderful excuse, for those gullible enough to believe it.
Aquarius: Pushing towards a greener workplace, your boss will tell you to stop using the air conditioning, and to turn the brightness down to the minimum on your laptop. Through the window of their giant Land Rover that never leaves the city.
Pisces: A cyber attack forces your workplace to shut down for a few days, while all the critical systems come back online. If only that Nigerian prince had been telling the truth. You’d have a million euros and wouldn’t need to sit around, hoping that the attack doesn’t get traced back to you.