Pure Gold: Student claims the impossible

While the best of us struggle to put down a golden week, Leah Driscoll investigates rumors of completed golden years…

Reports of what some are calling ‘UCC’s Golden Boy’ have been circulating campus in recent weeks. Motley can now exclusively confirm the existence of a UCC student with two straight years of perfect attendance.

The suspect in question, who has yet to undergo forensic testing to prove if he is indeed human, is coincidentally a student of chemistry with forensic science.  

After months of trailing false leads and dead-end investigations, Motley finally got the chance to speak with the controversial student. Amid claims of a miraculous two years of without a single break in attendance, Vincent O’Brien revels in his title.

“It’s the highlight of my life. It’s the ultimate trump card in the shit slinging contest between me and my Arts friends.”

Ruthless is the only word that can be used to describe O’Brien’s approach to college: “Nobody gets in the way of my perfect attendance.” It is this cutthroat attitude that has set the 22 year-old apart from other students and reportedly allowed him to achieve what was previously thought to have been impossible.  

Reactions from fellow UCC students have been that of utter shock. One student remarks: “Two golden years? I’d have a better chance of shitting a garden gnome than attending all of my lectures.” Another comments: “Fair play to the lad, but like…does he know most of the lecturers put their slides on Blackboard?”

Suspicions that O’Brien is weaving a web of lies grew stronger following his utterly preposterous claim that his class had a “surprisingly high attendance during R&G Week.” The image of a busy lecture hall during R&G Week verges on blasphemy, however he remains steadfast in his far-fetched claims.  

During interrogations regarding the veracity of his claims, O’Brien presents the evidence: “All you have to do is look into my eyes and see how dead they are to know that I went to two years of lectures.”

However, further studies still cast doubts on whether O’Brien is human or machine, as he details: “I spent my evenings doing my volunteer work, my days in lectures and labs, and my weekends working.” At the very least, it is believed that O’Brien has been sent by the German government in an attempt to boost the Irish economy by improving general work ethic. His suspiciously packed schedule appears to be clear evidence of this.

In a surprising revelation, it appears that this anomaly in attendance has genetic links, as O’Brien describes his own father.

“He’s in his late 50s and he easily outworks me. He’d be up at 7 and working until 9 while I would be off having my evening nap. I would feel guilty if I didn’t go to all my lectures!”

For now, it seems O’Brien is innocent until proven German. Motley will keep you updated on test results as they come.