Welcome to College

Motley’s resident ray of sunshine, Áódhán Ó Húlá-Hóóp, gives you freshers some heart warming advice for the upcoming college year.

Congratulations on completing Leaving Certificate. Well done. No seriously you’re amazing. Your parents and teachers have spent the last two years depicting it to be the ultimate zenith of your life. You should be so proud of possessing the ability to memorise information and regurgitate it up onto a piece of paper in under 2 hours.

So now you’ve got these points but unfortunately you can’t unlock anything cool. Instead you must choose how your life will be defined. The type of decisions 18 year olds with no life experience excel in making. Now presumably you’ve got what you wanted or you at least settled on something that you’re sure can get you money. Lucky you saw that course on Dole Queuing or as its most commonly known Arts. But don’t think for a second you’re safe Fancy D4/Commerce student. College is just the scenic route to the Dole.

No need to worry though, third level education provides many useful life skills. It gives you time to improve your alcoholism. Not only can you perpetuate a stereotype on the usual drinking nights on Tuesdays and Thursdays but because there’s no college on the weekend you can easily fit Fridays and Saturdays into your routine. Going to college also helps you increase your chances of getting one of those sexually transmitted diseases you’ve heard so much about. You’re not sure what they are but you guess it has something to do with sex. You want sex. Binge drinking and casual sex are cornerstones of the college experience but the most important thing it gives you is laziness.

Right from day one laziness grows inside you like a malignant tumour. You’ll complain that 12 o’clock is far too early for a lecture and that you don’t like the look of those clouds ‘cause God forbid you get caught in some light drizzle. You’ll convince yourself that there’s no point in going to lectures. You can do the work on your own. Only problem is you won’t open a book until May. But all this is just part of the college experience and that makes it all okay.

Instead of working hard at your degree and contributing to society you decide to piss away your parent’s and the tax-payer’s money just so you can practice being a burden to the country. You swear that art history and film studies are crucial to your life so that means that upward of 6,000 euros is spent on you just so you can “express yourself”. If you get a grant, six grand is spent on you in just one year of college. Ever find the people who get a grant always seem to be complaining about not having money but somehow manage to find some to buy extra alcohol, drugs and horrifyingly, Oxegen tickets? Almost as if they’re given far too much.

It’s was a big grown up decision going to college but a largely incorrect one but looks like we’re all stuck with each other.